Freedom! From Panic to an Awakening: A True Story

With Self Hypnosis, self-inquiry, bio-feedback, and a little help from loved ones, I overcame stress, anxiety, and obsessive thoughts.

This article is far from a scientific research paper. Still, it highlights the results of my thirty years of experience as an anxiety disorder sufferer and the unique therapeutic techniques that worked for me to remove anxiety and suffering from my life now.

This is a true story, my story.

"Listen. I wish I could tell you it gets better. But, it doesn't get better. You get better."

• Joan Rivers

If you suffer or know anyone who suffers from an anxiety disorder from agoraphobia, adolescent panic, GAD, or simply occasional panic attacks, this article can help.

Sweet Sixteen

When I was 16 years old, one afternoon while just relaxing, having just come inside from a game of basketball, I realized I was alive. Never before that moment, on that warm summer's day, had I thought that one day I would die.

Just a week or so later, this catharsis of a thought cascaded into darkness and turmoil that would be the signature of my life experience for a decade, if not more.

To this day, I do not know why I did not realize this earlier in my life. Still, forty years later, knowing what I know now, I can say with certainty that this was my first awakening, my intellect's realization that "my" existence was not eternal.

"Death is a continuation of my life without me."

• Jean-Paul Sartre - Jean-Paul Sartre (2012). "Essays in Aesthetics," p.14, Open Road Media.

Awakening

I didn't know I had a body before that day. I was a delightful, creative, life-loving, and playful kid. Before the event that sent me into a panic, I can not remember the thought of being alive.

It was the 1st week of September 1979, Saturday the 1st. I had just started a chemistry class that week and had the idea to mix my parent's perfumes and colognes; obviously, they were out of the house. They would not have approved of my experimenting with their expensive products!

I had mixed my dad's Seabreeze cologne with some rubbing alcohol and my mom's No.5 and got a big whiff of it up my nose.

The sensation of the alcohol smell up my nose was at first invigorating but then transitioned to a brand new sensation that swept over me: a deep and awful dread, a gut-clenching, heart-pounding, shallow breath-inducing mortification of panic. I THOUGHT I WAS ABOUT TO DIE.

I believed with everything in me that I, from that whiff of perfume, had done deadly damage to my lungs.

I felt like I could not breathe; I did not know what to do. I never had that feeling before and just walked around the room desperately trying to move air into my lungs. I was, and they were OK, but the tightening sensation in my chest made me think that I could not breathe.

"He who remains calm while those around him panic probably doesn't know what's going on."

• Leo Buscaglia

From that moment on, for the next few months, anything and everything that made me notice my body, that I was a physical mortal living being, threw me into a panic and created a phobia of the action that exclaimed my mortality.

Collateral Damage

I became phobic of climbing stairs, running, lifting weights, and sleeping. I had to pay attention to my breathing at all times; I thought if I did not breathe consciously myself, I would forget to breathe and die. So, falling asleep only once exhausted was the new norm, which resulted in extreme fatigue, which spiraled down into depression and despair in no more than a week.

My parents were as confused as I was; they had no clue what to do, as nothing would soothe my tormented mind.

As the week closed, my parents decided to take me to our family doctor; I was mortified as he would indeed diagnose my fatal disease immediately, and I would know for sure I would be a goner soon.

By the time we arrived at the doctor's, only a twenty-minute drive, I had started hyperventilating and had an absolute body-crippling panic attack; I could not walk nor bend my limbs, and my parents carried me in.

Lying stiff on the table, hardly able to talk, the doctor thought I had an overdose or a bad drug reaction, but after a discussion with my parents that felt like forever, our doctor realized I had a panic attack.

I received a shot of Valium that visit, and it was the first time since the onset of the panic that I could calm down. Once home, I slept well into the next day.

My diagnosis was Adolescent Panic, and over the next few months, I tried a wide range of medications in the hope of finding one that would help.

"All the suffering, stress and addiction comes from not realizing you already are what you are looking for."

• Jon Kabat-Zinn

Most of the drugs made me feel more or less out of my body, which was good on the one hand but certainly did not help me with my school work; my grades suffered at this time.

Finally, we found a new antidepressant drug, now off the market, that helped enough to reduce my panic attacks from daily to weekly and finally to occasionally, as few as one in three or four months.

The pills did not put me into a fog, so school was OK, besides the constant nervousness from phobias that newly plagued me.

My daily routine went from horsing around and hanging out with my friends during breaks to spending all my time avoiding everyone in empty classrooms and doing my homework while at school.

"You can't defeat the darkness by keeping it caged inside of you."

• Seth Adam Smith

So this is how I got along for the next five years. At twenty-one, our doctor had some studies that long-term the drug I was taking had some risks that were becoming concerning in some patients. His recommendation was to come off the medication.

Unfortunately, the symptomatic sensations that were the cause of the panic attacks started to return as I came off the drug.

Luckily, by this time, I had developed an interest in biofeedback, metaphysics, mysticism, and meditation. I had read a lot about biofeedback and how meditation and relaxation techniques were helping people with anxiety disorders.

"The best way to change long-term behavior is with short-term feedback."

• Seth Godin

My mom was always on the lookout for any scientific article published on the topics of anxiety and depression after my event, and she ran across a fantastic article in the Prevention magazine from 1984 about biofeedback; this became my cornerstone in finding techniques to managing my panic, phobias, and anxiety.

The First Clue for a Cure

By becoming a little more aware of my bodily sensations and feelings, I noted a particular sense, a dizzy rush, that would appear right before a panic attack; it was this feeling my mind would notice and then become fearful of.

I was interested in seeking professional therapy, but as a student, I could not afford it, and insurance would not cover anything. So I turned to our family doctor, books, articles, friends, and family for direction. There was no internet in 1985! The library was a viable resource.

Reducing phobias with hypnosis

"Repetition is key in self-hypnosis. Just like physical exercise strengthens muscles, repeated mental exercises during self-hypnosis strengthen neural pathways. This repetition makes positive changes more robust and enduring, helping individuals overcome long-standing issues."

• Sarah Thompson, Clinical Hypnotherapist

I studied several books on self-hypnosis. I quickly learned how to relax and move into a deep state of hypnosis; in this state, you are too relaxed to get nervous. I imagined situations safely and comfortably that, in the real world, made me feel anxious and trapped; one such event was traveling as a passenger in a car, an experience that was a trigger for panic attacks for many years.

By imagining situations while being so relaxed and having fun with the imaginary scenarios, deliberately making them humorous and light-hearted, I could defuse the anticipation and buildup of an actual upcoming situation.

After a few months of using this technique, it worked so well on the trigger event of riding in a car that I could once again be a passenger without anxiety and even drive myself, a goal I had given up on for a long time.

So I used this technique to bring my relaxed state of mind to my many bodily sensations that made me feel mortal and would make me nervous, such as my heart beating or holding my breath until I felt like I didn't have enough air.

By just relaxing and paying attention to these sensations, they became normal in time, and later, by focusing my attention on these, they even deepened my relaxation.

Reading Poetry

"This place is a dream. Only a sleeper considers it real. Then death comes like dawn, and you wake up laughing at what you thought was your grief."

• Rumi

Enjoying mystical poetry in books such as the "Tao Te Ching" and Rumi's "Mystical Poems" hinted to me that a deeper understanding and connection to life and divinity was not only possible but actual; this sparked my interest and evoked a spiritual yearning to explore more of the world I was discovering within.

This interest in biofeedback, meditation, and mysticism led me to an obscure and intense figure who challenged what I had learned and awakened a new sensual experience that spun me into another painful awakening. If you are interested, you can read about that here:

The Operation of the Intellect

"Stop acting so small. You are the Universe in ecstatic motion." 

• Rumi

This teacher of the occult opened up within me a whole new set of perceptions that, when activated, put all of reality into perspective.

Inner perception of the infinite illuminates the role of the mind and intellect in suffering anxiety and depression.

All the energy that creates and sustains the Universe flows through all creation and, notably, in us. As it moves into the brain, it rises into consciousness; this flow is your awareness, observation, and choice.

With the direction of your awareness, the intellect, call it your will or your choice, directs this energy into observation through the senses or directs it into thoughts.

My teacher instructed me, through my own experience, that the intellect directs this free-flowing energy through the lens of the mind, your memory, habits, and experiences into feelings and emotions.

In the East, this re-energization of memory is called Karma. All the memories and judgments our intellect has made and stored over a lifetime, brought back into the energy of the present by the eye of the mind, are re-lived, re-judged, and modified in the perception of the present moment.

The Nature of Worry

"If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished?"

• Rumi

I did not realize that using thoughts to compare what could occur with the memory of what once happened in the past creates a future-facing Karmic energy that not only may recreate the past but, by repeatedly thinking about it, also makes the feeling of worry.

No wonder our minds consume 30% of all our energy in our waking hours!

Overthinking produces the feeling of worry and then anxiety. Anxiety is the next energetic level after worry. Energy is building up like a bicycle wheel increasing in spin. As the situation repeats in the mind, the energy facing the upcoming event increases, eventually becoming overwhelming and debilitating to the individual.

Sadly, the sufferer can only take action with so much energy flowing into a single thought, as they cannot stop the cycle in their mind, is not to attend the event. Thus, the energy looping is short-circulated by the decision of not participating.

The energy is immediately removed from the looping worry when the sufferer affirms not participating. Other thoughts may become charged, such as guilt over disappointing someone or self-loathing from chickening out. But these thoughts are far less debilitating, and any actions that could then still arise are abstracted and pushed into the future.

So often, I experienced and saw people with this worrisome mindset realize that the event, once it had taken place, was so different from the mental puppet show they played over and over in their mind that the worrier wondered why they were so worried about it in the first place.

Choice and Will

"What you seek is seeking you." 

• Rumi

I did not realize that I, the eternal one that I am, have reigns or control over all my energies—the energy provided by life and breath taken in and transmuted within.

At any moment, this power is available to your mind; you can choose where to direct it. It does not go into a thought unless you will it. Habits are thoughts automated by the unconscious, passed to thoughts just under your awareness level, but your choice at one time trained these habits.

Any thought you give enough importance to, and depending on the urgency assigned to the thought, the more often your mind will bring forth the thought before your awareness.

This energization is why a thought keeps coming up, such as when you forget to submit a vital document or make a necessary appointment. The idea of carrying through the action charged the thought when first formed.

Once the action is taken for the energized thought and completed, that thought is no longer energized and thus dissolves into memory. It will no longer appear to the awareness with any urgency.

Training the Mind

"The ability to observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence."

• J. Krishnamurti

Finally, I realized that so much of my suffering through anxiety, worry, guilt, fear, and panic was the result of my thinking. I thought :) If only somehow I could not fire up harmful and destructive thoughts in the first place and then not regurgitate them and re-energize them over and over.

With training from my occult teacher and several years of practice and fine-tuning, I understood the mind is in many ways like a radio or TV, in that thoughts can be tuned into or out of.

In advanced practice, this same tuning in and out of using the awareness mechanism also applies to other planes of existence outside the thinking mind.

Once you can achieve this focus of awareness, understanding what the intellect is and where it resides within the whole dimensional being of a human falls into perspective. No longer that all-important tool that our modern lifestyle emphasizes.

In essence, you, or your awareness, is a "remote control," or, more correctly, an internal controller to tune in on and out of your thoughts. The controller's power supply is flexible and can increase or decrease.  

All too often, not enough power is going to this controller, and it's more or less on autopilot. You are allowing many thoughts to be acted on by the unconscious mind, which is the automatic decision-making process of your habits. In this mode, you will not successfully reduce worry, anxiety, or eating too many sweets.

The most significant problem we face in modern times is automatic overthinking.

It is a simple process to train the mind; you can call it meditation if you like, but there is so much stigma and beliefs around meditation that I will not use that term. Instead, I will use the term: Conscious Focusing.

Conscious Focusing

"There is an art of seeing things as they are: without naming, without being caught in a network of words, without thinking interfering with perception."

• J. Krishnamurti

This simple but powerful tool will give you control over your mind and ultimately transform your reality.

First Step: Start by noticing what you are noticing.

You can focus on what you see, hear, smell, taste, think, daydream, hunger for, or feel.

What you focus on gets louder or more intense when you focus on any single perception.

Focusing on your empty stomach amplifies your hunger, giving this sensation energy. Thus, you're turning up the volume on it.

Now, bring your awareness to your breathing; if your awareness wanders off from paying attention to your breath, bring it back to your breath.

Slow down your breath; breathe in and out as slowly as possible. Keep your awareness on just your breath.

Your breathing will get more attention from your awareness. Your thoughts will naturally quiet down.

Practice this daily for a week, starting with just five minutes and extending to 20 minutes. When comfortable with this, include it when walking or doing physical chores.

Next step: While focusing on your breath, also allow your feeling of relaxation to be noticed by your consciousness so you have two things in your awareness at once.

Once this is easy, open your awareness to include breathing and relaxation and add to what you see.

Add what you are hearing.

Add what you are doing.

Notice: You're now doing without thinking.

Next: Get to know yourself; now that you're getting much more intimate with who you are outside of all your thoughts and perceptions, can you turn your awareness back on itself? Who or what is this "I"?

Who is Who?

"Hope and fear are both phantoms that arise from thinking of the self. When we don't see the self as self, what do we have to fear?"

• Lao Tzu

Observe this inner part of yourself without identifying with your thoughts about yourself. Does it have an age? Does it have a name? Does it have anything whatsoever? The answer is No. So what is this something that is, but is nothing at the same time?

It might not be evident at first, as you may keep bringing thoughts around to try and identify this deep and empty nothing yet infinite presence of energy until nothing is left to place upon it.

Then, the realization of WHO you are will envelop you. When that happens, a remarkable shift in your perception will set in. Then you realize you just took your first step towards immortality.